Are We There Yet?

Is it normal to feel bi-polar when you're going through a trial? Because I do.

One day I'm all optimism. So what if no one's called today. So what if every job has a pitifully low compensation. It will be okay. I don't know how, but it will be okay.

And then the next day I can barely drag myself out of bed. We'll never get a job. We'll never have our lives back. I'll never really be a wife or mom again. Why is this happening to us?

I'll just enjoy today for what it has to offer. I can choose to be happy no matter my circumstances.

Why have you forsaken us?

There are days when I feel like I've reached acceptance...then acceptance turns to apathy which is a quick hop to bitterness, if I'm not careful. And then I cycle through it again. Sometimes the cycle takes weeks to complete. Sometimes days, and sometimes hours. It's physically and emotionally draining. A lot of days, it takes all my energy just to hold it together - which means I don't have a lot left for my family. Add a nice dollop of guilt on top.

To outsiders it may not seem like a big deal, but this has been the biggest trial we've ever had to face. It's tested us in every aspect of our lives. At my lowest point, I told James I wanted to stop going to Church - mainly because I felt like I couldn't take the questions anymore, or the people who barely know me or my situation telling me to keep smiling and stay positive. But a small part of me wanted to rebel. You've turned your back on me? Well maybe I'll turn my back on you. (I have since repented of that attitude).

There have been times when I've cried so much that I've literally run out of tears to cry, and it has taken a whole day for the puffiness in my face dissipate.

Up until this point, I never understood how people could blame God for their problems. It's not right, but I understand that feeling now.

I'm not proud of it, but it's shaken my faith and has made me take a long look at my life and what I believe.

I know God isn't to blame. I do believe that we are made better for the trials we are asked to pass through. I know that the wisdom of the Lord is perfect. I know that His timing is perfect. I know that He knows me and wants what is best for me.

I also know that I am not perfect. My timetable is not perfect...I would have ended this a year ago :) I am a human with a finite human understanding. I am learning that you can be trying your hardest and doing your best, and it's still not enough. It's a tough lesson.

I don't know when this will end.
I don't know how this will end.
But,
I have hope that it will end soon.
I have hope that we will endure this, and endure it well.

Sometimes it's okay to feel sad. Sometimes it's okay to feel angry. Sometimes it's okay to feel helpless.

It's okay that we don't have a job.
It's okay that we're living on the generosity of family.
I will make the best of my life.
I will continue to have faith.