Funny Talk

Me to Justin: I love you, I love you, I love you!!

Justin: Moms! (laughing) What are you talking about?!

I Told You She's Smart...

This is a screen shot of what Natalie was working on today when she stole my computer:

On Blessings

Early this morning, one of the kids woke me up. I got up to tuck them back in bed, and by that time, I was up and awake, and I couldn't fall back asleep (does that ever happen to you?). Instead, I started thinking about things. For some reason, I started thinking about that church picture of the door with no handle, with the Lord standing on the other side, knocking. The one that symbolizes that the Lord is always there for us, but he can't force his way in, we have to let him in.

Let Him In by Greg Olsen

For most of my life, I've always thought that I had my door open to Him, especially in times of trials, especially for the nearly three years that we've been looking for a job. I've envisioned myself standing at my wide-open door, just waiting for the Lord to come and bless me. And as I was thinking about this, I realized that I haven't been that way at all. In fact, my door has been closed, locked, and triple-bolted. I've found pieces of heavy furniture and moved them in front of the door, closed the windows, shut the blinds, drawn the curtains, and shut off the lights. And there I've been, cowering anxiously behind my self-made barricade.

But not only that. I've always liked to think that I've turned my life over to the Lord; given him the reigns, and told him that I will go and do whatever He asks of me. But instead, after I barricaded my door, I gathered up all the pieces of my life, and piled them in front of my barricade. I then took a big chain with a massive lock, and I shackled myself to it, desperately clinging to them. All the while, shouting things like:
"The only way you're going to get these is if you pry them out of my cold, dead hands!" and
"They're not yours, they're mine, and you can't have them!"

And then the Lord starts to knock on my door. So, I strain against the chains, peek over my barricade, and somehow catch a glimpse of what's through the peep-hole. The Lord is there, holding blessings for me in his hands, but I'm confused and I start to shout through the door:

"Those aren't my blessings! You must have the wrong door, because those aren't the blessings that I prayed for. Come back when you get it right! Oh, and don't forget, I'm full of humility, and have tons of faith, so I'm ready and waiting whenever you want to come back."

And then I send Him away. That's when the complaining starts:

"Why have you forsaken me? I thought all things were possible with You, and now You've completely abandoned me."

Then He knocks on the door again, and I strain against my chains, and take another peek. And there He is, knocking on my door, holding the same blessings for me in his hands. Angry and frustrated I start to shout through the door again:

"Really?! You messed up again. Those are NOT my blessings. How hard is it to get it right?!!! Aren't you listening to me?!" and I send Him away again, and it starts all over.

Every time I pray, He comes back, but I keep sending Him away in anger because I don't like what He's offering me. At this point I notice that because the chains around my pile of life-things are so heavy, and because I've been straining against them so much, things in my life are literally beginning to fall apart. That's the last straw, and I start to shout again:

"Now look what you've done! If you had only brought me the right blessings in the first place, none of this would have ever happened. My life is falling apart, and it's all your fault. I can't do this alone, I need your help."

And that's when it dawns on me that He IS trying to help me, but that I keep pushing Him away, because I think I know what's best. I'm trying to make Him conform to what I want, and I'm trying to answer my prayers all on my own...which obviously doesn't work.

And that's where I found myself a few weeks ago, at last ready to accept what was being offered. Little by little, through repenting of my feelings of frustration and anger, and by really praying, really studying the scriptures and REALLY turning my life over to the Lord, things have started to change. I got rid of my shackles, I took down my barricade, opened the windows, and opened the door. And finally, with light streaming in, I got my first good look at the blessings that the Lord was offering me. They still weren't what I was praying for, but in the light, they're beautiful. In fact, they're more amazing than what I wanted and thought I needed. I still don't have all the answers, and I'm not exactly sure how everything is going to work out (really, there's a few ways that this could all play out), but I feel real hope and peace for the first time in years.

It's amazing what opening your door can do.

Funny Talk

Matthew: We learned about contractions today in school!

Mom: Really?! (slightly panicked, automatically thinking of the childbirth variety)

Matthew: Yep, things like "isn't" and "they're".

Mom: Oh. (completely relieved)

***

While watching the Backyardigans (a children's show with lots of music)-

Ethan: When are they going to stop singing?! (said in an exasperated tone)

12of12 | March - Saturday

Explanation of 12of12 found HERE.
1-Natalie's morning nap.
2-Playing with Batman is serious business!
3-Turkey Avocado sandwich from Deb's...so, so good :)
4-Sick kids this weekend :(
5-Natalie has a major shoe fetish. She will put on anyone's shoes, at any given time.
6-Matthew sending his cousin a virtual present on Webkinz.
7-Talking to Grandma Hays on the phone.
8-Almost spring landscape.
9-Remnants of winter 1.
10-Remnants of winter 2.
11-Detail of the nightgown Grandma Hatch made for Natalie.
12- The boys' favorite toy, I'm not even kidding!! Best fifty cents I ever spent :)

The photographer in me can't help posting some of the full-size photos. It's for me, not you, but feel free to look :)

She Must Take After Her Dad

I found Natalie, the naughty little punk that she is, typing away on my laptop. After I took the computer away, I noticed that she had been on the google search engine, and this is what she was googling:

solve t p+3r 6 for r m

Apparently, she's some sort of prodigy. Maybe I should let her use my laptop whenever she wants ;)

Funny Talk

Justin: Well Moms, now that I'm potty trained, I guess I can go to college.

Sometimes I Think I'm Crazy

Several weeks ago, James got a tip from a friend that the company that he works for was hiring. So, James quickly applied for some open positions, and I didn't think much of it. James has applied for lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of positions.

The application stage is way too early to get emotionally involved.

Then, a few days later, they called James for a phone interview. I was happy that he was selected for an interview, but again, he's had lots and lots and lots of phone interviews.

The phone interview stage is still too early to get emotionally involved.

A few days later, they called again, and invited James for a fly-back interview. Two years ago, I would have been over-the-moon excited about that, but experience has taught us that a fly-back is definitely NOT a guarantee of an offer. In fact, the fly-back is a double-edged sword. There is excitement about how far in the selection process you've gotten, but there is also fear. Fear because despite your best efforts, you start to get emotionally involved, and the more excited you get, the harder you fall when no offer comes. Even though you try not to, you start to picture yourself living in said location. You start to imagine your daily routine, and you like it. You find yourself doing the one thing that you should never do in our situation: planning. Planning and dreaming about your future in said location, with said job.

The fly-back stage is absolutely too early, but it's too late. You're completely and totally emotionally involved.

James had his fly-back about three weeks ago. As much as we hoped for an offer on-the-spot, we didn't get one. That's not the way things roll for us. They still had some more interviews to conduct. They would let us know in a couple of weeks.

On Wednesday night, I was writing a post on how we can't rely on things in life to bring us happiness (I never published it). We decide to be happy and have joy because we have the gospel and we have the Savior, and things like a job offer will only bring us momentary pleasure. At that moment I felt I had turned a corner. That no matter the outcome of this job-seeking endeavor, I was happy, and a great job would just be icing on the cake.

The designated decision time came and went. No phone calls. And in this situation, no news is not good news.

By Thursday afternoon, I was having a hard time holding it together, Thursday night was bad, and early Friday morning was excruciating - until I finally cried myself to sleep at about 3:30am.

The worst part? I have been trying so hard to make the most of our situation. I've been trying to stay positive and immerse myself in my family, in my calling, and in the gospel. And I really thought I had improved. For the first time in my life, I wasn't relying on a person or a thing to make me happy. I was happy because I had everything that I needed and more. I had gotten to the point that I was grateful for our trial because I've learned so much, gained so much insight and perspective, and I felt like I was a better person because of it. I felt grounded and whole and stable. And then when we didn't get a phone call, I crumbled. I completely fell apart and I realized that maybe I haven't changed at all. I felt like such a hypocrite. Maybe I'm not learning anything, and I was frustrated. F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D. Frustrated with myself and with our situation and with life.

But when I woke up Friday morning, I realized that I am a better person, and that I have learned a lot, and that being disappointed and frustrated doesn't negate all of that. It's okay to be sad.

Later that morning James got an email explaining that no decision had been made yet in regards to a job offer. They hoped to know by Monday. A small glimmer of hope.

It's late Tuesday afternoon, and we still haven't heard anything, and I'm disappointed, but I'm okay. About a year ago, I wouldn't have been okay, but I'm okay now. Even if I am sad. I guess I have learned a little something after all.