On Blessings

Early this morning, one of the kids woke me up. I got up to tuck them back in bed, and by that time, I was up and awake, and I couldn't fall back asleep (does that ever happen to you?). Instead, I started thinking about things. For some reason, I started thinking about that church picture of the door with no handle, with the Lord standing on the other side, knocking. The one that symbolizes that the Lord is always there for us, but he can't force his way in, we have to let him in.

Let Him In by Greg Olsen

For most of my life, I've always thought that I had my door open to Him, especially in times of trials, especially for the nearly three years that we've been looking for a job. I've envisioned myself standing at my wide-open door, just waiting for the Lord to come and bless me. And as I was thinking about this, I realized that I haven't been that way at all. In fact, my door has been closed, locked, and triple-bolted. I've found pieces of heavy furniture and moved them in front of the door, closed the windows, shut the blinds, drawn the curtains, and shut off the lights. And there I've been, cowering anxiously behind my self-made barricade.

But not only that. I've always liked to think that I've turned my life over to the Lord; given him the reigns, and told him that I will go and do whatever He asks of me. But instead, after I barricaded my door, I gathered up all the pieces of my life, and piled them in front of my barricade. I then took a big chain with a massive lock, and I shackled myself to it, desperately clinging to them. All the while, shouting things like:
"The only way you're going to get these is if you pry them out of my cold, dead hands!" and
"They're not yours, they're mine, and you can't have them!"

And then the Lord starts to knock on my door. So, I strain against the chains, peek over my barricade, and somehow catch a glimpse of what's through the peep-hole. The Lord is there, holding blessings for me in his hands, but I'm confused and I start to shout through the door:

"Those aren't my blessings! You must have the wrong door, because those aren't the blessings that I prayed for. Come back when you get it right! Oh, and don't forget, I'm full of humility, and have tons of faith, so I'm ready and waiting whenever you want to come back."

And then I send Him away. That's when the complaining starts:

"Why have you forsaken me? I thought all things were possible with You, and now You've completely abandoned me."

Then He knocks on the door again, and I strain against my chains, and take another peek. And there He is, knocking on my door, holding the same blessings for me in his hands. Angry and frustrated I start to shout through the door again:

"Really?! You messed up again. Those are NOT my blessings. How hard is it to get it right?!!! Aren't you listening to me?!" and I send Him away again, and it starts all over.

Every time I pray, He comes back, but I keep sending Him away in anger because I don't like what He's offering me. At this point I notice that because the chains around my pile of life-things are so heavy, and because I've been straining against them so much, things in my life are literally beginning to fall apart. That's the last straw, and I start to shout again:

"Now look what you've done! If you had only brought me the right blessings in the first place, none of this would have ever happened. My life is falling apart, and it's all your fault. I can't do this alone, I need your help."

And that's when it dawns on me that He IS trying to help me, but that I keep pushing Him away, because I think I know what's best. I'm trying to make Him conform to what I want, and I'm trying to answer my prayers all on my own...which obviously doesn't work.

And that's where I found myself a few weeks ago, at last ready to accept what was being offered. Little by little, through repenting of my feelings of frustration and anger, and by really praying, really studying the scriptures and REALLY turning my life over to the Lord, things have started to change. I got rid of my shackles, I took down my barricade, opened the windows, and opened the door. And finally, with light streaming in, I got my first good look at the blessings that the Lord was offering me. They still weren't what I was praying for, but in the light, they're beautiful. In fact, they're more amazing than what I wanted and thought I needed. I still don't have all the answers, and I'm not exactly sure how everything is going to work out (really, there's a few ways that this could all play out), but I feel real hope and peace for the first time in years.

It's amazing what opening your door can do.